How to rediscover who you are after having children

I had a little chat with Francesca Specter the other day. If you haven’t come across her, she’s the author of the brilliant book, Alonement and a wonderful old colleague of mine. It fuelled me to write this blog post; how to rediscover who you are after having children.

Francesca writes a lot about finding the joy in being alone which for me, a person who is perpetually joint at the hip with a toddler, is not something I do very often. Taking Isaac out of the equation, I’m a relationship-orientated person. It’s very millennial woman of me to bring up generational reasons for my dislike of alone time, but I grew up in a very busy house and – while I wouldn’t change that – I have never spent much time with myself.

I don’t sit comfortably in alone time. I realised lately that being alone meant I was in a state of waiting. Waiting for somebody to come home. I don’t enjoy it, I tolerate it.

Before having Isaac, I could deal with this. But since, it has made me realise that I’m not ok with it. I’m 32 years old and a mother and should be able to enjoy my own company. So, about 6 months ago I decided to start working on it.

Default mode: autopilot

I have a lot to do in a day and I do a lot of it on autopilot. I really don’t want to be that person. I’d like to be the spontaneous person I used to be. When you become a parent, you certainly have to lose a bit of your spontaneity because somebody else comes first. But, you don’t have to live life on autopilot.

I find it hard to divert off of my plan for the day, and it’s something I am really working on. If somebody throws in a random plan or a time change, it doesn’t make me feel chill, let me tell you. I’m the epitome of the TikTok video that was doing the rounds a little while ago: “I’d really like to go with the flow, but what time does the flow start?”

To come out of autopilot, I found it really helpful to write down everything I believed myself to be in that moment; a mum, a wife, a homeowner, a person who felt comfort in complete control, a freelancer, somebody who needed the house to be spotless to feel a sense of order.

Nothing on my list talked about my hobbies or my passions.

So, I then wrote a list of all the things I loved before I became a mum, got pregnant, went through a global pandemic and even became a wife.

Yoga, travel, taking photographs, being in the garden, fresh flowers, farmers’ market food, cooking, cycling, things people found weird like gong baths, finding new restaurants, reading books, fashion, beauty products, looking after my body.

I could go on and on. 

Then, I looked at that list and have thought about what I’d like to bring back into focus – for myself. I’ve started a TikTok account to share fashion and beauty stuff. I’ve started yoga again on a Wednesday night. I’m slowly but surely becoming myself again, with the added excitement of doing that alongside a new human being who’s learning who he is, too.

The crux of rediscovering yourself

While I’m sure a lot of people will read this and resonate, I think many won’t. Many won’t understand how I can have so little time in my life for myself that going to a Wednesday night yoga class is seen as a ‘step in the right direction’ and not just something I do without thought.

You see, I do have the time, I just got into a rut of spending it unwisely. I think this is the crux of rediscovering yourself as a parent – but also post-pandemic.

When you have a newborn, you’re in survival mode. Sitting in front of the TV or mindlessly scrolling on your phone in those days is fine. It is – in many cases – a way to keep you in touch with reality in what is a truly unique time in your life.

But it becomes a habit. Like anything in life, if you do something often enough, you forget a time when you didn’t do it. Survival mode serves a purpose, but it’s not a life choice. Isaac was a bad sleeper, so survival mode certainly lasted longer for me than the average parent. But, then he wasn’t a bad sleeper anymore, and there was really no need for me to have given up my hobbies and interests in favour of listlessly looking at the TV.

I read something the other day that said ‘being in a long term relationship is about learning to love all the different versions of a person throughout the years’. I agree and I also believe that the same applies to being in a relationship with yourself.

READ: Parenting in the age of social media

Ease into it

Easing into rediscovering the ‘new you’ is important. If my husband went away, I would usually go to stay with my parents, but with children this isn’t the easiest thing to do. I started small; I’ve carved out little areas of life that are just for me. With children, it’s quite easy to make their needs your needs and have no space for your own life.

Starting small meant getting into gardening. I’ve always found it really relaxing, but I’ve always been rubbish at it. Instead of overdoing it, I picked a handful of plants that I wanted to keep alive for the year and focussed on those only. Now, it has inspired me to get an allotment. It’s something I can work on with Isaac and also a place I can go to when I want some time out.

As I said, I’ve started going to yoga on a Wednesday night, too. Again, it’s a small step, but I loved yoga and I miss it. I’ll work my way up to doing more as time goes on.

Minimise the phone use

I know this is easier said than done. For people who are trying to reconnect with themselves, it’s easier to stop that feeling of loneliness or listlessness creeping in when you’re – at least virtually – still in company.

For me, part of the process of being comfortable with getting to know myself post-baby is to leave my phone out of the equation. To be honest, it makes me feel uncomfortable to say it,  but I know it’s important. I’ve become almost addicted to my phone lately. I am constantly on now Isaac wants me to play with him for the majority of the day. At heart, I am a huge daydreamer, so for me, this feels very alien.

I’ll keep you updated on this because it’s something that I’m really going to have to try with.

You don’t have to stay inside

Spending time with yourself doesn’t have to be an indoor-only adventure. Take yourself out; go for lunch, go for a walk, go shopping. I think the idea is to just be present. So, if you’re going shopping, just go shopping, don’t be on your phone the whole time.

I think shopping is actually a good one for post-baby, because our bodies have changed, our idea of fashion has changed. Part of getting to grips with who the new you is to look at the kind of things you levitate towards. A lot of people lose their sense of themselves through their fashion after having children, so here’s a good place to start.

READ: The ultimate guide to spending the day in Sevenoaks

Plan, plan, plan

I love a to do list, so it’s no surprise that I’m suggesting this. Next time you have a bit of free time, perhaps during the evening when your children are asleep, use it to really map out what you want. Whether it’s a work side-project, learning a language or perfecting a cookie recipe, there are plenty of things that we’d love to happen if we put our minds to it.

Plan for them.

I’ve got a weekend alone in a few weeks, and I’m going to plan lots of fun things for Isaac in the days and lots of enjoyable and relaxing things for me for the evenings.

If being alone with your own thoughts is a bit of a challenge (I’m an over thinker, so it is for me) then you should make sure you’re filling up your time. Even if it’s just for the first few times that I’m alone, I definitely have a plan in my head of what I’d like to achieve during the time.

Who is future you?

Here’s future me: I wake up feeling rested and get ready without feeling guilty that somebody else is looking after my children while I do this basic human right (guilt is a huge thing for me!). I step into clothes that I love and that make me feel comfortable and I walk down into a house that is full of love. My children feel supported but also independent – roots and wings, people, roots and wings. They live happy lives because we live happy lives. 

Our lives lovingly centre around our children but we still go out and get drunk with our friends from time to time, have delicious meals with our besties and go on weekends away – child-free and guilt-free to reconnect with ourselves and each other. 

I still get to write for a living and I may even be writing a book. I get to work from home and with people who are inspiring to be around…

This is just the start of something that I could write for hours.

READ: How to do a daily reset if you’re feeling overwhelmed

And how do I become her?

I really believe that speed is key. Slowly take on a little more of what you love. Make sure you tell your family what you’re doing beforehand, because it can definitely feel like a shift if you’re stuck in a role lock of your own making (or of somebody else’s).

I’ll keep you updated with how I’m getting on over on Instagram, and I’d love to hear from others who are going through the same sort of thing post-baby or just post huge, life-altering pandemic.