Is anybody else tempted to cancel their plans in the lead up to Christmas?

Is anybody else tempted to cancel their plans in the lead up to Christmas or is it just me?

Today is officially the last day that you can get Covid before Christmas and be out of isolation for Christmas Day. Yes, you’re right, I do spread Christmas joy.

It’s coming up to one year since the day I sobbed into my newborn baby’s hair while Boris Johnson cancelled Christmas. I announced to James that I ‘couldn’t do it anymore’ but ultimately, I had absolutely no choice in the matter and I did, in fact, do it for quite a few months longer.

I thought we’d be in a more positive place by now and yet I’m finding myself getting flashbacks to last December.

I keep going to cancel things

I’m going into London on Thursday. The dreaded London, where Omicron will be the dominant variant in a matter of hours and where everybody who as much as breathes the air ends up in isolation if the Daily Mail is to be believed.

It’s not in the day, it’s for a Christmas party at Bounce and I’m really looking forward to it. Somehow, the night seems worse. People are drunk and they’re less restrained by rules. As if British people need a reason not to wear a mask anyway.

It’s the train that does it for me. Why are people so gross on trains?

Anyway, I digress, I’ve almost changed my mind and decided not to go about fives times and I’m really trying to force myself to have a more positive mindset about it, but I wondered if anybody else is having the same creeping feelings?

The conspiracist in me wonders if Omicron B – which is an anagram for No Crimbo by the way – is being peddled as a way to get us to diligently queue up for our boosters. The realist in me tells me that I know so many people with Covid at the moment.

I won’t let the fear get to me

Many of my friends have jokingly said that they won’t be taking part in any future lockdowns. We’re lockdown fatigued. We’re over Covid. Were we ever ‘under’ Covid?

My blogs just aren’t complete without a Friends reference. Yes, Friends is outdated, blah, blah, blah.

We might joke about it, but we’re all mindlessly queuing on the NHS website for our boosters and if we go into another lockdown, I’m sure I’ll be there with Joe Wicks and my sourdough starter. At least I have a Peloton this time.

I’ve been abroad twice in the latter half of this year, once on a long-haul trip, and I’ve always said to people that I don’t want to waste the moments we are allowed to do things, just incase that gets taken away again.

So, why am I thinking of locking myself in the house even though I don’t have to lock myself in the house?

Good question.

We’re not over the trauma of lockdown

This is my theory.

We’re on a plane and there’s turbulence. After a bad half an hour, it has calmed down but the seatbelt sign is still on. Are you fully relaxed? Are you balancing your tea on your leg? No, you’re not.

I can’t speak for everybody, but I’m still in a nervous place. Perhaps if I didn’t have a one-year-old to consider, I might be calmer, but everything goes back to Isaac. If I get it, would Isaac get it? If we get it and we’re ill, how are we meant to look after Isaac? If we have to isolate for ten days, what am I supposed to do with a baby? He’ll be so bored.

At heart, I’m still the compliant, worried human being that had to shield my baby from most of the people I love for almost six months. It is traumatic.

Things are moving quickly so we don’t have time to process our trauma. I still haven’t given any thought to what I went through as a pregnant woman and new mum, but let me tell you, it wasn’t great.

These worries and feelings to protect Isaac do come back when I’m trying to weigh up whether it’s a good idea to go to London.

Also, as a worried person, I go overboard thinking to myself that the fact I’m obsessing over this decision so much is a clear indiction that I shouldn’t go.

Here’s what I’m going to do

I’m going.

I’m going because I’ve still got other plans that I’ll be going to. I’m going because I know I’ll be careful, wear a mask and pack my hand sanitiser.

Mainly, I’m going because I can go and I spent so long wishing I could spend time with people and I promised myself that when I had the chance I wouldn’t ever cancel anything again.

We are living in a world of contradictions right now. We want to go because we can, we don’t want to go because we’re not sure we should.

This is something that we might be feeling for a long time to come. It’s not a lockdown, but it’s something, isn’t it?

Whatever it is, I’m going to continue to be sensible, but I’m also going to live my life as much as I possibly can, incase that is taken away from me again.