Have you heard of the saying ‘some years ask you questions, others years give you answers’? 2022, for me, was very much a year of questioning. As an impatient person, waiting to fall pregnant, waiting to see if our house move would happen and waiting to see if our dog would be ok after a bad illness, amongst other things, all felt a bit much.
Impatience and the need for control are interesting characteristics. Before 2020 they were traits of mine that were never really tested, but being pregnant during a global pandemic will certainly bring anyone’s need for control into sharp focus.
And thus highlights one of my first lessons of 2022;
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Letting go of my anxieties means letting go of my control
I used to be quite anxious of the unknown. In every unknown scenario I would think of every possible outcome – good and bad. That’s ok in your 20s, where most of life’s challenges centre around friends and jobs. Where life seems like it’s endless and the people you love are – for the most part – healthy.
If you’ve been given the same algorithm as me on TikTok, you’ll know that scientifically, between the ages of 30-45 are difficult times for many people. For some, it’ll be their first experience of a death of somebody close to them. For others, they’ll be in the fros of parenting young children and the way that changes relationships with everybody around you.
Yes, jobs with more responsibilities, houses with bigger mortgages, children with more requests, ageing parents and a sense of foreboding nostalgia for a simpler time, this period in our lives can be tricky.
There may have been a time when you could control all aspects of your life, but now is not it. At least, it’s not for me.
In order to live a life with less anxiety and more contentment, I have had to let go of my need for control. After three years of trying to figure this out, I don’t think it’s possible to live without anxiety if you’re a person who needs control. I’m hoping I can reap the rewards of that realisation in 2023.
2. You meet your partner three times; once before children, once with them and once when your children grow up
This is, of course, only applicable if you’re planning to have children, but it’s something I heard and it’s so true.
For most, you’ll meet your partner at such a carefree point in life and you’ll see them in a whole new light when you’ve had a baby. The looks of love that were once only reserved for you are now shared between you and your children. You laugh in a new way, experience joy in a new way; everything feels different.
And it’s not just the highs that hit differently. You’ll wake up in the middle of the night to a baby crying and argue over why they’re crying. You’ll bicker over who forgot the nappies, division of labour, working hours. Little things that never played a role in your relationship before them.
When those crumbs aren’t lining the floor anymore and when you’re sitting there alone on a Saturday night with all the time in the world, you’ll get to know your partner for a third time.
Statistically, most people give up on their marriages or relationships in that second ‘meeting’; which happens to coincide with the 30-45 stresses I mentioned above.
Relationships are ever evolving; daily, weekly, monthly. You commit to experiencing life in all its iterations, not just when it’s easy.
My main learning from 2022; talk always. At this age, your friends, family and partners are usually around for the long term. If you don’t tell them how you’re feeling, you risk bottling it all up and feeling resentful, and that’s not a good look for 2023.
3. Don’t be afraid to tell people you love your plans
I spent a long time believing that you shouldn’t tell people your plans until they’re done. Whether that’s a new house you’re excited about, a job prospect, trying to get pregnant etc. etc.
I’m not superstitious, but I did think that telling everyone would lead to too many outside influences that would confuse me. Perhaps now I’m older I’m more confident in my own resolve, but I’ve found it very helpful to tell people what’s going on in my life.
Of course, sometimes things don’t work out. I don’t mind sharing that with the people I love, too. If you’re making your life look like an Instagram feed to everybody in it, you’ll exhaust yourself. And, more than that, opening up about your life helps your friends and family to open up about theirs. Realising you’re going through moving issues, fertility problems, workplace arguments (the list is endless) alongside somebody else is like a weight being lifted.
And on that point, who cares if somebody you don’t like takes pleasure in your plans failing? That, my friends, is on them, not you. If you don’t put yourself out there, you’ll never experience what joys that can bring you.
This brings me neatly onto my next lesson;
4. Who cares what people think of you?
I spent an inordinate amount of time worrying about the opinions of others. This took on many guises; the ‘secret’ opinions of my friends (they hate this idea, they hate this article) to the opinions of people I’ve known throughout my life. What if they see me on TikTok and share it amongst each other?
What a limiting way to live your life.
In fact, in many ways, I think this belief has held me back over the years and I lost this care in 2022. I think having a baby has slowly changed my entire belief system. It has given me a new focal point, away from any life I led before. And in that respect, I’ve lost a lot of the cares I consumed myself with pre-baby.
And so, finally…
5. It’s ok if the baseline of your life changes
In my 20s my career was everything to me. Everything. I fantasised over the interviews I’d do when my book made it to number one in the Sunday Times Bestsellers. I planned my future, bought self-help books, worked and worked, and worked and worked.
Then I had my son.
I’m not saying that he was the single reason that I stopped caring so much about my career. I think lockdown helped. I think losing the anxiety that punctuated my life by simply slowing down and enjoying it made me question what I was fighting for.
I have a very good work/life balance. Isn’t that what I was looking to achieve by pushing this success? I wanted to work less by being more successful and therefore charging more so I didn’t have to work as much. My baseline has changed; I am content with my career, and for the first time in 10 years I’m not slogging over a manuscript in every moment of spare time I have.
What do you think?
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